Friday, October 1, 2010

Things That Never Happened

Some dreams I've had

-- One night, my brain clearly thought I was on a bad acid trip. I remember seeing a rapid succession of small 'scenes' where something trippy happened for a few seconds, then I fast-forwarded to the next whacked out scene. One such scene that I remember clearly was walking out into a field. In this field, every single individual blade of grass was a different color, a different NEON color. Whether it be Neon Yellow, Purple, Green, Blue, Pink, whatever, I was surrounded by millions of different colors.

I yelled "Hey! Damn! Someone turn off all the colors!"

The moment I yelled that, each single blade of grass not only didn't turn the color off, but instead started rapidly flashing every other color that it already wasn't. The sight was very seizure-inducing.

I yelled "Hey! What the hell! That's the exact opposite of turning the color off!"

-- Recently, I had a friend from tech school that I stayed in touch with have to change bases and she was sent from Missouri to Germany. What a change! Since then, she's losing her mind and hoping that I could go up to visit her because she needs to see a friendly face. In Germany. Ya, thats easier said than done. But anyways...

One night, I dreamt that she wasn't sent to Germany. No, instead, she was sent to SPACE. Thats right! She was stationed at Space USAFB, Space.

"Doug! Hey, I wanna see someone I know! You should come here! ...To Space! Hey trust me the view is great. Its different tho, I mean its like 100% military and I miss gravity. You should definitely come here. C'mon, just get in your car and come on up, it'll be great!"

-- I should play WoW less...

One night, I dreamt that one of my guild members came to my work office, in real life. His character is an Elf Druid named Neocronus. But in real life, he actually wasn't a human at all, but was instead a 9 foot tall Tauren. And he wouldn't behave, either. He was running around the office randomly punching people on the shoulder, then he'd giggle and stomp his way over to the next victim. "Neo! What the hell man! Go back to Stormwind! Stop punching my co-workers!"

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Won't be the last time

Derek (mass): Who wants to go to the fair this weekend and eat bad food and people watch?

Me: I might be busy. Also, I might be free. Def one of those two

Derek: Your worthless

Me: You're*

Derek: No I did that on purpose so I didn't have to text extra key strokes

Me: Oh yea? And look at where that plan got you.

Derek: Lol. Now I'm stuck explaining myself to a retard

Me: ^_^

Thursday, September 2, 2010

We're Mature Adults

Me: Yea, sorry I'm a little late, they had some additional duties for me today.

Molly: Ya? Now when you say duty, do you...

Me: Hehe, DUTY

Molly: haha

Me: hahaha

Both of us:



Thursday, August 26, 2010

Stoopid texts

(I just saw Pan's Labyrinth. That movie rules)

Text to a lotta people: Have you guys seen Pan's Labyrinth?

Matt's GF Jordan: Yeah, its one of my all-time favorite movies.

Me: Make Matt and Eddie watch it. They prolly won't take just my word for it.

Jordan: I tried with matt already. He hates subtitles.

Me: :|

Jordan: Isn't it amazing, though?

Me: One of the best movies I've ever seen.

Jordan: :)

Me: :)

Jordan: :)

Me: :)

Jordan: :)

Me: :)

Jordan: Maybe not ALL is lost with you Vice boys :)

Me: Bread makes me poop!

Jordan: .... *facepalm*

(After establishing that I'd bring Molly to meet the bros at Matt's house)

Me: Do you like how I not only invited myself over, but also gave you an errand? :)

Me: The errand being 'make sure your place doesn't look shitty'

Matt: You is the douche.

Me: Thats right, THE douche!

Matt: Molly isn't allergic to cats or dogs is she?

Me: No

Matt: Good, cuz my place is saturated with dander =p

Me: Sounds... Dandy!

Matt: We are no longer friends.

Molly: amg. Lawton is like Oklahoma's armpit.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Vegas Vacation

We kicked things off with a 1120 mile roadtrip! So long. So much mooning between the two cars. Oh God, the asses I've seen...

We went and ate at In-N-Out Burger. Californians will tell you that they have the best burgers ever made! I wouldn't say all that, I'd prolly put them up there on par with Carls Jr and Whataburger (when you do it right). But I WILL say that they have the best menu I've ever seen! It's small, about the size of the top of a classroom desk. On the left side it has 3 options: Burger, Cheeseburger, Double Cheeseburger. On the right you have: Small, Medium, or Large Fries; and below that: Small, Medium, Large Drink. POW. This place is Burgers and Fries, period. If you want a chicken sandwich, then GTFO.

We went on the town! At Imperial Palace we walked through and saw some cross dressers singing like celebrity women (Abort! Abort!) At O'Shea's the gang played Craps while I stood there confused, contemplating running over and rubbing the midget on the top of his head. At Caesar's Palace, I put 10 bucks in a slot machine and walked away with 120! At Treasure Island, we saw the pirate ship show outside and I learned the Fire is Hot. At the Mirage, Luke (who was being wheelchaired around like a gangsta) played War, put down $40 and walked away with $160, Vegas Vacation style. At the Flamingo we all lost a lot of money at Blackjack, because we were all too busy being distracted by pole dancers (not nude, calm down gang) in the middle set there to distract us long enough to think that hitting on a 19 is a GREAT idea.

We went to Gold and Silver Pawn! The luxurious site of the show Pawn Stars! While I was there I saw a Civil War era mortar cannon for around $65,000, and a Rolex watch worth about $32,000. I have to imagine how they would react these days if some fool went in their with his $20 power drill and wanted to pawn it. GTFO

We went to Mandalay Bay and saw a buncha fish! Including the majestic Pufferfish

T: Dad look its a Pufferfish!

T's Dad: Is it puffed up? Looks pretty big (ed. about the size of a Christmas ham)

Me: Nah its actually calmed down right now. Prolly even in a good mood.

T's Dad: I'd kinda like to see it mad and puffed out.

T: Yea me too, that'd be awesome

Me: Hey Pufferfish! Guess what I heard! I heard yo mama so fat, she played pool with the planets!

Pufferfish: FOOMPH! >:(

T: Wow, I can't believe that actually worked...

We went to the rehearsal dinner, and Luke's dad got us drunk! Not on purpose, but kind of on purpose. From what I understand, for big reserved dinners like that, the restaurant will usually require that the patron spend $X on the whole meal, sometimes in the thousands. So I have assume that when Luke's dad came up encouraging to make all the drink orders we saw fit, thats where he was coming from. POW. It'll be another looooong time before I try Grey Goose, Sapphire, some more Grey Goose, and whatever they decided to make that Appletini with (which was pretty heavy on the Tini, *hic*)

We went and saw Luke and Mandi get married! ..... to eachother! Hooray! It was a great wedding, one of the best I've been to overall. No nonsense. Except for the part where it was outside, in the middle of August, in the desert of Las Vegas. I mean really? Really? Really? I told Mandi I give the wedding 4 1/2 stars. She she gave me that look. So I told her it was out of 4 1/2 stars max.

We stayed in a room more expensive than your month's rent! The deal was that T's parents had troubles with their room, so rather than have the hotel move them to a different, equal room, instead they were bumped up to what I want to assume is a high roller's suite. It was from this $750-1000/night room that we got an outstanding view of the entire strip. They had everything, jets in the bathtubs, tvs in the mirror, 6 flatscreen tvs in 3 rooms, the window WAS one of the walls, and room service was actually like $15 a person. I slept on the couch, and that was still better than all past 3 nights sleeping in our room at Imperial Palace.

We took another longass roadtrip home! And I took a nap for a day.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Give 'er the ole stinkeye

While sitting around and watching Deep Impact on TNT.

T's Mom: Man, an asteroid coming to destroy earth. What would you guys do if you knew that was gonna happen?

Derek: I know what I'd do. I'd run up my credit card. BIGTIME.

T's Mom: /facepalm

Me: I'd run around nonstop. NAKED. I wouldn't even give a good gawdam!


Me: Wait... WAIT. Damn, nvm. The president would declare martial law, and I'm in the military. So I'd almost certainly be ordered to run around and arbitrarily shoot people in the face.

Derek: You're an accountant. You don't know how to use a gun.

Me: I would start by shooting Derek.

Derek: Hello Mr. Recruiter man, I would like to join the United States Air Force, to spite Doug.

Me: Aw dammit

(movie shows an old, rough guy standing on a beach, looking toward the sky in waiting)

Topher: See, THAT'S what I'd do. I'd stand on a cliff and start staring that fucker down.

All of us: ^_^

Monday, August 2, 2010

Operation Breaking Moon

First off, a brief exchange at the chow hall earlier.

Me: Lessee okay I'll have steak please, and mashed potatoes and gravy, and corn
Him: /snoot, ACTUALLY SIR, its Succotash. Not corn.
Me: Oh ya? Well I called it corn, and you knew exactly what I was talking about. So guess what the hell it's called NOW?

Alright, enough douchebaggery :p

Well not quite

If you clicked the link, you're reading correctly. If you're too lazy to click, and who can blame you, Operation Iraqi Freedom has had its name recently changed in order to reflect a new mission goal. It is now called Operation New Dawn.

Operation.... NEW..... DAWN.....

I would like to make it abundantly clear that this new name has in no way anything to do with anything related to popular culture.... at all. Srsly you guys.

JFC I don't even know what kind of jokes I should make here. Except that if they decide to break down further, and rename operations in Iraq Team Edward and Afghanistan Team Jacob, I'll damn jump out of a window.

But just a first story window, don't worry. I'll prolly roll an ankle or something, and be pissed'er.