Friday, October 1, 2010

Things That Never Happened

Some dreams I've had

-- One night, my brain clearly thought I was on a bad acid trip. I remember seeing a rapid succession of small 'scenes' where something trippy happened for a few seconds, then I fast-forwarded to the next whacked out scene. One such scene that I remember clearly was walking out into a field. In this field, every single individual blade of grass was a different color, a different NEON color. Whether it be Neon Yellow, Purple, Green, Blue, Pink, whatever, I was surrounded by millions of different colors.

I yelled "Hey! Damn! Someone turn off all the colors!"

The moment I yelled that, each single blade of grass not only didn't turn the color off, but instead started rapidly flashing every other color that it already wasn't. The sight was very seizure-inducing.

I yelled "Hey! What the hell! That's the exact opposite of turning the color off!"

-- Recently, I had a friend from tech school that I stayed in touch with have to change bases and she was sent from Missouri to Germany. What a change! Since then, she's losing her mind and hoping that I could go up to visit her because she needs to see a friendly face. In Germany. Ya, thats easier said than done. But anyways...

One night, I dreamt that she wasn't sent to Germany. No, instead, she was sent to SPACE. Thats right! She was stationed at Space USAFB, Space.

"Doug! Hey, I wanna see someone I know! You should come here! ...To Space! Hey trust me the view is great. Its different tho, I mean its like 100% military and I miss gravity. You should definitely come here. C'mon, just get in your car and come on up, it'll be great!"

-- I should play WoW less...

One night, I dreamt that one of my guild members came to my work office, in real life. His character is an Elf Druid named Neocronus. But in real life, he actually wasn't a human at all, but was instead a 9 foot tall Tauren. And he wouldn't behave, either. He was running around the office randomly punching people on the shoulder, then he'd giggle and stomp his way over to the next victim. "Neo! What the hell man! Go back to Stormwind! Stop punching my co-workers!"

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Won't be the last time

Derek (mass): Who wants to go to the fair this weekend and eat bad food and people watch?

Me: I might be busy. Also, I might be free. Def one of those two

Derek: Your worthless

Me: You're*

Derek: No I did that on purpose so I didn't have to text extra key strokes

Me: Oh yea? And look at where that plan got you.

Derek: Lol. Now I'm stuck explaining myself to a retard

Me: ^_^

Thursday, September 2, 2010

We're Mature Adults

Me: Yea, sorry I'm a little late, they had some additional duties for me today.

Molly: Ya? Now when you say duty, do you...

Me: Hehe, DUTY

Molly: haha

Me: hahaha

Both of us:



Thursday, August 26, 2010

Stoopid texts

(I just saw Pan's Labyrinth. That movie rules)

Text to a lotta people: Have you guys seen Pan's Labyrinth?

Matt's GF Jordan: Yeah, its one of my all-time favorite movies.

Me: Make Matt and Eddie watch it. They prolly won't take just my word for it.

Jordan: I tried with matt already. He hates subtitles.

Me: :|

Jordan: Isn't it amazing, though?

Me: One of the best movies I've ever seen.

Jordan: :)

Me: :)

Jordan: :)

Me: :)

Jordan: :)

Me: :)

Jordan: Maybe not ALL is lost with you Vice boys :)

Me: Bread makes me poop!

Jordan: .... *facepalm*

(After establishing that I'd bring Molly to meet the bros at Matt's house)

Me: Do you like how I not only invited myself over, but also gave you an errand? :)

Me: The errand being 'make sure your place doesn't look shitty'

Matt: You is the douche.

Me: Thats right, THE douche!

Matt: Molly isn't allergic to cats or dogs is she?

Me: No

Matt: Good, cuz my place is saturated with dander =p

Me: Sounds... Dandy!

Matt: We are no longer friends.

Molly: amg. Lawton is like Oklahoma's armpit.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Vegas Vacation

We kicked things off with a 1120 mile roadtrip! So long. So much mooning between the two cars. Oh God, the asses I've seen...

We went and ate at In-N-Out Burger. Californians will tell you that they have the best burgers ever made! I wouldn't say all that, I'd prolly put them up there on par with Carls Jr and Whataburger (when you do it right). But I WILL say that they have the best menu I've ever seen! It's small, about the size of the top of a classroom desk. On the left side it has 3 options: Burger, Cheeseburger, Double Cheeseburger. On the right you have: Small, Medium, or Large Fries; and below that: Small, Medium, Large Drink. POW. This place is Burgers and Fries, period. If you want a chicken sandwich, then GTFO.

We went on the town! At Imperial Palace we walked through and saw some cross dressers singing like celebrity women (Abort! Abort!) At O'Shea's the gang played Craps while I stood there confused, contemplating running over and rubbing the midget on the top of his head. At Caesar's Palace, I put 10 bucks in a slot machine and walked away with 120! At Treasure Island, we saw the pirate ship show outside and I learned the Fire is Hot. At the Mirage, Luke (who was being wheelchaired around like a gangsta) played War, put down $40 and walked away with $160, Vegas Vacation style. At the Flamingo we all lost a lot of money at Blackjack, because we were all too busy being distracted by pole dancers (not nude, calm down gang) in the middle set there to distract us long enough to think that hitting on a 19 is a GREAT idea.

We went to Gold and Silver Pawn! The luxurious site of the show Pawn Stars! While I was there I saw a Civil War era mortar cannon for around $65,000, and a Rolex watch worth about $32,000. I have to imagine how they would react these days if some fool went in their with his $20 power drill and wanted to pawn it. GTFO

We went to Mandalay Bay and saw a buncha fish! Including the majestic Pufferfish

T: Dad look its a Pufferfish!

T's Dad: Is it puffed up? Looks pretty big (ed. about the size of a Christmas ham)

Me: Nah its actually calmed down right now. Prolly even in a good mood.

T's Dad: I'd kinda like to see it mad and puffed out.

T: Yea me too, that'd be awesome

Me: Hey Pufferfish! Guess what I heard! I heard yo mama so fat, she played pool with the planets!

Pufferfish: FOOMPH! >:(

T: Wow, I can't believe that actually worked...

We went to the rehearsal dinner, and Luke's dad got us drunk! Not on purpose, but kind of on purpose. From what I understand, for big reserved dinners like that, the restaurant will usually require that the patron spend $X on the whole meal, sometimes in the thousands. So I have assume that when Luke's dad came up encouraging to make all the drink orders we saw fit, thats where he was coming from. POW. It'll be another looooong time before I try Grey Goose, Sapphire, some more Grey Goose, and whatever they decided to make that Appletini with (which was pretty heavy on the Tini, *hic*)

We went and saw Luke and Mandi get married! ..... to eachother! Hooray! It was a great wedding, one of the best I've been to overall. No nonsense. Except for the part where it was outside, in the middle of August, in the desert of Las Vegas. I mean really? Really? Really? I told Mandi I give the wedding 4 1/2 stars. She she gave me that look. So I told her it was out of 4 1/2 stars max.

We stayed in a room more expensive than your month's rent! The deal was that T's parents had troubles with their room, so rather than have the hotel move them to a different, equal room, instead they were bumped up to what I want to assume is a high roller's suite. It was from this $750-1000/night room that we got an outstanding view of the entire strip. They had everything, jets in the bathtubs, tvs in the mirror, 6 flatscreen tvs in 3 rooms, the window WAS one of the walls, and room service was actually like $15 a person. I slept on the couch, and that was still better than all past 3 nights sleeping in our room at Imperial Palace.

We took another longass roadtrip home! And I took a nap for a day.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Give 'er the ole stinkeye

While sitting around and watching Deep Impact on TNT.

T's Mom: Man, an asteroid coming to destroy earth. What would you guys do if you knew that was gonna happen?

Derek: I know what I'd do. I'd run up my credit card. BIGTIME.

T's Mom: /facepalm

Me: I'd run around nonstop. NAKED. I wouldn't even give a good gawdam!


Me: Wait... WAIT. Damn, nvm. The president would declare martial law, and I'm in the military. So I'd almost certainly be ordered to run around and arbitrarily shoot people in the face.

Derek: You're an accountant. You don't know how to use a gun.

Me: I would start by shooting Derek.

Derek: Hello Mr. Recruiter man, I would like to join the United States Air Force, to spite Doug.

Me: Aw dammit

(movie shows an old, rough guy standing on a beach, looking toward the sky in waiting)

Topher: See, THAT'S what I'd do. I'd stand on a cliff and start staring that fucker down.

All of us: ^_^

Monday, August 2, 2010

Operation Breaking Moon

First off, a brief exchange at the chow hall earlier.

Me: Lessee okay I'll have steak please, and mashed potatoes and gravy, and corn
Him: /snoot, ACTUALLY SIR, its Succotash. Not corn.
Me: Oh ya? Well I called it corn, and you knew exactly what I was talking about. So guess what the hell it's called NOW?

Alright, enough douchebaggery :p

Well not quite

If you clicked the link, you're reading correctly. If you're too lazy to click, and who can blame you, Operation Iraqi Freedom has had its name recently changed in order to reflect a new mission goal. It is now called Operation New Dawn.

Operation.... NEW..... DAWN.....

I would like to make it abundantly clear that this new name has in no way anything to do with anything related to popular culture.... at all. Srsly you guys.

JFC I don't even know what kind of jokes I should make here. Except that if they decide to break down further, and rename operations in Iraq Team Edward and Afghanistan Team Jacob, I'll damn jump out of a window.

But just a first story window, don't worry. I'll prolly roll an ankle or something, and be pissed'er.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Luke should eat more dairy

Good grief, there are no words to describe this weekend.

.....Oh wait a minute, yes there are! Quite a bit, actually!

I'll just deliver the punchline right now. We went Paintballing, and Luke broke his leg. Bwaaaaaaaaa

How did he do it? Simple. He ran about twenty feet. In a straight line. Guess he just landed his right foot the wrong way and *crunch*. It really puts things into perspective, you know. Cuz when we go running for AF PT, we'll go maybe 2 miles? Man, eff that, now.

All I remember is sitting on the sidelines, chilling while people shot at eachother, because I had been shot out of the game early AGAIN. And all of a sudden I see Luke going:

Luke: Okay u guyz! We gonna run out and shoot people with paintballs! Herp Derp!

(running.... running.... CRUNCH!)

Luke: Ow! My tibia and fibia!!

Thats right folks, dude didn't just break his leg, he destroyed it. Both Tibia and Fibia got blow'd up.

So this is all terrible news, but it gets even terrible-er. For three reasons!

1) Location. Location. Location. When he chose to destroy his leg, he chose to do so while we were in one of the two deep woods courses. We had trekked quite a bit into the woods to partake in the "WWII course", over the river and through the woods and up and down steep dirt paths and across a rickety bridge about half a person wide. And we of course had to carry his fat ass back! Luke could at least have had the common decency to injure himself at one of the 4 courses adjacent to the parking lot. faaaaaakkkkkkk

2) Luke is getting married. In two weeks. Thats right, this was all a part of his bachelor party, for our hero Luke will be marrying the lovely Mandi in two weeks. His injury is unfortunately such that he will have to crutch himself down the aisle, and he will not be able to dance :( No jokes here, that's legitimately sad, and I feel for the guy. When Mandi got to the hospital, you could tell that she wasn't mad, she was really quite concerned and just wanted to make sure her guy was okay. But she is also not amused >.>

3) The very day before, Luke wrecked his car. Need I say more? Not really.

Soo..... yeeeaaaaaa......

Monday, July 19, 2010

I can see my house from here...

So last night, I had an amazing dream. I was flying! Doesn't sound so great, but once you're actually doing it its an amazing feeling :)

I just spent the whole night zipping around the state of Oklahoma like I was Superman. Just flying everywhere, fast as a jet. One of the things I would have to do is if I wanted to go faster, I would just tense up my legs and I guess that gave me more umph. As the night went on, my legs started to get more and more tired, in the dream, and I would just have to tense up harder to get the same effect. But eventually it all ended and I woke up.

And when I woke up, I couldn't move. Because from 6+ hours of keeping my legs tensed up, they were all sweaty and wore the hell out. Right about the time my alarm went off at 0600, and I had to get up for PT. Today we had to run sprints


So I went out there and met with the squadron, and we started running

"*pant* *pant* Ah meh gaw! Oh lawd! Oh jezzuz hep meh! Hemah! Hemah! I can't go on guys, just lemme alone!"

"Doug, you're an idiot, you've only done half a lap so far"

"I can't! I! blaaarrggg"

"....did you just say 'Blarg'?"

I was on a date last night =)

No details about this girl just yet, but one thing to share is that she really likes the band All American Rejects.

Me: Really? Have I told you about the time that I accidentally started the band AAR?


Me: Haha well its like this... (tells the story)

Her: Holy crap! Is that true?

Me: Ha, yea it sure is. I promise you.

Her: I don't believe it, I feel like I'm here with a rock star =)

Me: Ha, I know! Sometimes I wish I could've stuck with it. Think about it, right now I could in a rock band, on a tour bus surrounded by....

Her: /glare

Me: .......uh, sound equipment, merch, guitar techs...

Her: Uh huh. COUCH!!

Me: Aww

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Fifth!.... Wait, sh*t

At the risk of sounding sacrilegious, I bet God wakes up some days and say "You know what? You suck Doug. I'm about to magic your day to be all kinds of jacked! POW!"

Short story shorter, I had to run 6k at 0630. 5.9k of which I spent clenching and trying to resist a situation created by intense but short-term runner-rhea, causing me to get beaten by my female officer leaders who usually finish 3-4 minutes AFTER me. Then upon getting to the office, after having run 6k no matter the conditions, I sat in an hour long meeting using my full mental faculties attempting to NOT pass the hell out. Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkk

Why was God sippin on all this hater-ade? Prolly cuz I went to the casino on Monday ^_^

Thats right! Sigma patriarch and old school gangsta, Gabe, was in town with some of his students and a bunch of us decided to gather up and try our luck at the Riverwind. I didn't play much, I mostly observed, BUT I DID play Blackjack for the first time.

It was intense. I knew the basic rules, but didn't know a damn thing for strategy, insofar as how I should act based on my card AND the dealer's card, the perfect time to double down, what insurance is, blah blah. Also I had some of my attention to both lol at Derek putting the moves on one of Gabe's girl students, and trying to keep my head on a swivel so I could dodge being seen by a cocktail waitress that works there that I had a bad experience with once (but that's another blog entirely =) ).

At the end of it all, I started with $40, and quit with $70! BAM! I tossed the dealer a $5 chip on a split second ahwhatdoicare thought, and peaced out from the table.

Lastly a quote from Topher, a dealer at a different Casino:

"Yea, Riverwind MIGHT have Craps, but you don't want to play it. No casino in Oklahoma has Craps with dice, its all with cards. It's in the law somewhere, it can only be cards. So we don't have real Craps, we have crappy Craps...... we have Shits"

Friday, July 9, 2010


So today I started the day off right. With a 5k run! What!

Normally running that far first thing on a Friday aint so bad. But this time it was. Why? Cuz my roommate was up til like 12:40 ish either running the shower or talking on the phone. Why the devil must I have a roommate thats so dirty and popular??....... And are those two things related??

Nevermind that I had two Mountain Dews and took a nap earlier that evening so I couldn't sleep anyway. If that business kept up, I'd of hate to beat up my roommate.

"But Doug! Your roommate is black. Wouldn't that be a hate crime? Hahaha"

Of course it would be! I HATE being kept up that late! It's annoying!

"......Doug I don't think 'hate crime' means what you think it means"

Aaaaaanyways I had no REAL trouble with this 5k run. Mostly cuz I've been working my ass off, literally, trying to prepare for my PT test that I took yesterday. I've been doin way lots of extra running and weightlifting for the last 3 months, and I've been eating like a rabbit the last two weeks. And after all that hard work, difficult eating, vitamin taking, and preemptive bowel evacuation, I did my PT and PASSED THAT FREAKER.

So now that that's happened, this weekend is dedicated to pizza, beer, sitting on my ass, and getting ready to be fat again! Hooray ^_^

Thursday, July 8, 2010


So, yea. I'm now abstaining from Myspace/Facebook/Twitter blogs, notes, text messages, etc etc. And now I'm here with an all new real deal blog.

What to say on my first blog in the new era of not shutting up. Hmmmmmm

(insert fart jokes here)